Many divorced people, such as myself, aren’t looking to remarry.
We remember the bad times and eventual heartbreak that accompanied divorce. Why take a chance on that happening again, especially if kids are involved?
But I want to pose a question: What single issue scares you the most about remarriage?
I’ve compiled a list of possible fears:
- Marrying a woman just like your ex-wife
- Finding out your new wife deceived you in some way
- Fighting over money
- Dealing with a mother-in-law from hell
- Discovering your wife is extremely jealous and suspicious
- Experiencing sexual problems that can’t be resolved
- Feeling smothered and losing your independence
- Gradually growing apart for a variety of reasons
- Clashing with her kids from a previous marriage (or vice versa)
- Losing your life savings in a divorce
That’s a pretty depressing list, isn’t it? Mind you, I’m not an opponent of marriage, even though I’ve been divorced twice.
I simply believe people should enter marriage with their eyes wide open, expecting a bumpy ride at times. Being cautious is wise. But if you’re afraid of getting married, it’s a good idea to examine why.
There’s at least one reason, maybe more. Look at the list of fears I proposed. Am I missing some? What are your biggest fears?
My main marriage fears
I’d better answer the question myself if I’m going to ask others. Here are my top three fears:
- Feeling smothered and losing my independence. As a divorced guy, I love not having to consult a wife over my plans, defend a hobby, or explain why I like certain friends.
- Fighting over money. If I marry again, I’m going to choose a rich woman. Not to get my hands on her money, but to keep her hands off mine. I admire couples who have a joint banking account and trust the spouse to spend responsibly. I haven’t had that experience in marriage.
- Gradually growing apart for a variety of reasons. I could have ranked this fear higher. Often marriages don’t die because of a single event, such as infidelity. They die slowly over time because of small deceptions, unstated resentments, and a lack of communication. I think it’s easier to address a giant issue than a dozen smaller ones that, together, doom a marriage.
OK, now it’s your turn. I’d like to start a discussion on marriage fears. Maybe we can help each other identify our own fears.
Knowledge is power. If you understand why marriage scares you, you’re more likely to avoid a marriage mistake. You’re also more likely to overcome your fears and have a successful marriage next time.
Sometimes fear is a good thing. But don’t let it paralyze you. Ask yourself why you fear remarriage. Turn fear into knowledge you can use.