Sometimes I wonder.
I haven’t had a date since before Thanksgiving. I’m still signed up on two online dating sites, and I check the profiles daily.
But I seem to have a problem with each woman. Too old. Too heavy. Too many kids. Lives too far away. Doesn’t seem very smart.
Know what I mean?
After you’ve been divorced a couple of times, like I have, you can scrutinize women too closely. Perhaps that’s better than rushing into love, but becoming too picky is also a problem.
After my last divorce three years ago, I waited about six months to date. Then I dated a flurry of women. I dove headfirst into online dating, curious to test the market.
I had no intention of getting serious with anyone. Instead, I just wanted to spend time with a variety of women after being locked in an unhappy marriage.
Now, I’ve corresponded with a couple of hundred women online and have been on dates with close to 25. Tall, short. Black, white and Hispanic. Women with master’s degrees and women who never attended college. Women with money, women who were poor. A lawyer, real estate broker, budget analyst, nurse, pastor, and personal trainer.
Some of these women (and others) had no interest in me. So I had no choice whether to pursue them. But some other women I met were nice, attractive and intelligent.
Yet I wasn’t interested. Am I dooming myself to a life alone? Are you?
After going out with a bunch of women and having a host of experiences, I have dating fatigue. Having many dates, I’ve discovered, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll meet someone special. You may just be investing time and money with no return.
What others say about being picky
What do others say about being picky in dating? I did a Google search to find out.
“People are looking for the wrong things,” writes Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. “You should have high standards. But people are too picky about the things that are not important – and not picky enough about the things that are.”
She’s quoted in an article titled “Are You Being Too Picky?” on happenmag.com.
The author, Lynn Harris, says some men and women have “impossible-to-meet standards” and wear “massive checklists on their sleeves.”
“Edit your checklist,” she advises.
An article on CyberDatingExpert.com quotes dating coach Julie Spira.
“Whether it’s physical, financial, or geographical, we put too many restrictions that get in the way of love,” says Spira.
I enjoyed a blog comment by a woman on the dating site PlentyofFish.com.
“Most men are way too picky – that is the problem,” she writes. “Very few men can even be considered extremely good looking so why do most think that they deserve super models? So guys – all I’m saying is next time you come across a profile that looks interesting but you think you’re too good for her/out of her league … think again … take a good look at yourself. Be realistic.”
I’ll concede that she has some good points. Sure, men are obsessed with a woman’s appearance. Sure, we always try to aim higher in dating – higher than we probably should.
There may be a time when I’m more open to a serious relationship and willing to examine my dating checklist.
But for now, I’m content being too picky. After all, if I’d been pickier in the past, I might not have wound up being divorced twice.
It’s useless to tell someone they’re being too picky in dating. No one can get inside another person’s head. No one can know their relationship history. People should be picky. Just don’t be blind. Keep your eyes open and you might unexpectedly meet your lifelong partner.