Can you imagine being married to Kim Kardashian? What a nightmare.
Sure, she’s beautiful. And famous, if that appeals to you.
But Kim would be the worst wife I can imagine. Why?
- She’s uber high-maintenance. The poor schmuck who married her, pro basketball star Kris Humphries, gave Kim a $2 million engagement ring. Do you think he really wanted to spend that much? Do you think maybe Kim demanded an outrageously extravagant ring? I’d bet my life on it. He’s already “p-whipped” if you know what I mean. And it’s all downhill from here, buddy.
- Kim’s mom would be the ultimate mother-in-law from hell. Talk about meddling in your marriage. She’d complain about you privately to Kim and publicly on a reality TV show. It doesn’t get any worse than that – a double-barrel blast of bitching!
OK, Kris’ life as Kim Kardashian’s husband won’t be miserable at first. He’ll eat up being on the cover of magazines. In fact, leading up to the recent August wedding and the wedding special airing on E! in October, he’s already been on magazine covers (here’s one, for example). He’ll feel like he’s married to the most glamorous woman in the world – look at me! The sex will be great at first on those satin sheets in their fancy bed inside their mansion.
But a few months down the road (within a year, for sure), poor Kris will start dying a slow death. He’ll wake up next to her one day and think, “She really ain’t that special. Not for what I’m having to endure. What’s she going to demand today?”
Kris will feel the piercing stare of Kim’s mom and hear her thoughts: “He’s not good enough for my Kim. Sure, he’s rich too, although not as rich as us. But he’s kind of, well…goofy. Actually, he’s an embarrassment to me. I deserve a classier, more dignified son-in-law. What does Kris do for a living? Oh, yes, he sweats and throws a ball in a hoop. Wonderful.”
I know how this marriage will play out. In a few short years, we’ll see the tabloid headlines: “Kim and Kris’ Marriage Explodes!” “Kim Wants Out!” “Mom Sides with Kim, Won’t Speak to Husband Kris!”
Their marriage will die and decompose before the public’s eyes. Kris’ life won’t fall apart – only his marriage. He’ll still make millions playing basketball and be able to get any woman he wants.
But he’ll suffer public humiliation and buyer’s remorse for marrying Kim. He’ll emerge wiser, but at a price. Years from now, someone will ask Kris if he has any marriage advice.
“Yes,” he’ll say. “Don’t marry a high-maintenance woman. And don’t marry a woman with a crazy mother.”
You read it here first.
Needless to say, I won’t be watching Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event on E! on Sunday, Oct. 9 at 8 p.m. and Monday, Oct. 10 at 9 p.m.
Photos: screen shot of Kim Kardashian’s website and Kim’s Twitter profile picture.